Becoming a surrogate is a journey filled with compassion and purpose, and it often brings unique experiences for everyone in the family—including your own children. Most of the staff at Surrogacy Mentor have been surrogates and we know how important it is to explain the process to your children. As a surrogate, one of the most important parts of the process is helping your children understand what it means for you to carry a baby for someone else. By involving and explaining the surrogacy journey to your kids in an age-appropriate way, you can help them feel included, supported, and excited about your role in creating a family for others.
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Why Explaining Surrogacy to Your Kids Matters
Children are naturally curious and observant, and they’re likely to have questions as they see you go through the surrogacy journey. Explaining surrogacy to your children helps them feel secure, understand the process, and feel proud of the incredible role you’re playing. When children are informed, they’re less likely to feel confused or anxious and more likely to become enthusiastic supporters of the journey.
Tips for Talking to Your Kids About Surrogacy
The way you approach the conversation will depend on your child’s age, personality, and understanding. Here are some tips to guide you in explaining surrogacy to children of different ages.
1. Use Simple Language and Age-Appropriate Explanations
Younger children don’t need a detailed explanation; instead, they’ll benefit from a simple, age-appropriate explanation of surrogacy. Here are some ideas based on age groups:
- Toddlers (2–4 years): Keep it very simple. Explain that "Mommy is helping another family by carrying their baby." Reassure them that the baby is going to the other family once it's born.
- Preschoolers (4–6 years): You can explain that some parents aren’t able to grow a baby themselves, so you’re helping them by carrying their baby. Emphasize that this baby has their own family waiting for them.
- School-age children (6–12 years): At this age, children are more likely to ask questions. Be honest and straightforward, explaining that you’re helping another family have a baby. You can add that once the baby is born, they’ll go home with their own parents.
- Teens (13+ years): Teens generally have a greater understanding of family dynamics and may have more complex questions. Be open about the process, why you chose to be a surrogate, and the difference it will make in the lives of the intended parents.
This blog post from our archives has a list of great books about surrogacy made just for kids of all ages!
2. Emphasize the Temporary Nature of the Journey
Children may become concerned about what a new baby means for their family. They may wonder if the baby will stay with you permanently. It’s important to emphasize that the baby you’re carrying is not going to join your family, but will go to their own family after birth. This helps reassure children that their family structure is not changing and that the baby is a temporary part of your journey.
3. Encourage Questions and Be Ready to Listen
As with any new experience, your kids may have questions, some of which you may not anticipate. Encourage them to ask questions and create a safe, open space for conversation. They may ask things like, “Will the baby stay with us?” or “Why are you helping another family?” Answer as honestly and simply as possible, without overwhelming them with details.
Listen to this episode of our podcast to hear firsthand what our Intake Manager's young daughter thinks of her mom being a surrogate 3 times!
4. Reassure Them of Your Love and Attention
Kids may worry that the new pregnancy will mean less time and attention for them. Reassure them that your role as their mom isn’t changing, and they’re still your priority. Let them know you’ll still have plenty of time for them during the pregnancy and after the baby is born. Planning special activities and quality time together can help them feel secure.
TAKE THE SURROGACY QUIZ CHAT WITH A SURROGATE
Ways to Involve Your Kids in the Surrogacy Journey
Involving your children in the surrogacy journey can make them feel like an important part of this special process. Here are some gentle ways to include them:
1. Share Age-Appropriate Updates
Sharing updates about the pregnancy in an age-appropriate way helps children feel connected to the journey. You might let them know when you have a doctor’s appointment or share an ultrasound photo if they’re interested. This can help them understand the progress and feel included in the process.
2. Celebrate Milestones Together
Small celebrations can make the experience fun and memorable. For example, you can celebrate the day you match with intended parents, the first ultrasound, or the baby’s due date. These milestones allow your family to feel excited and engaged in the journey, making it a special family experience.
3. Create a Surrogacy Story Book
Consider creating a simple storybook about the surrogacy journey for younger children. You could include basic illustrations or printed photos that show the different stages of pregnancy and explain your role as a surrogate. This can make the concept of surrogacy more relatable and help them remember the journey in a positive way.
4. Involve Them in Acts of Kindness
Surrogacy is a wonderful example of kindness and compassion. Get your children involved by encouraging acts of kindness, like drawing pictures for the intended parents or making small gifts for the baby. These activities help children feel connected to the journey and understand the joy of giving to others.
TAKE THE SURROGACY QUIZ CHAT WITH A SURROGATE
Addressing Emotional Reactions and Providing Support
It’s normal for children to experience a range of emotions throughout the surrogacy journey. Some may be curious and excited, while others may feel confused or uncertain. Here’s how you can support them emotionally:
- Acknowledge Their Feelings: Validate any emotions your child expresses. If they’re feeling confused or uncertain, let them know it’s okay to feel that way. Show understanding and reassure them.
- Provide Comfort and Consistency: Maintaining daily routines and consistency can help children feel secure. The surrogacy journey may be temporary, but your child’s routines and your role as their parent remain constant.
- Encourage Positive Reflections: Remind your children of the wonderful impact your surrogacy journey has on another family. Talk about the happiness it brings to others, helping them see the journey as a meaningful act of kindness.
Final Thoughts: Building a Positive Experience for Your Family
Navigating the surrogacy journey with your own family is a unique experience, and involving your children can help them understand and appreciate the impact of your choice. By explaining surrogacy in an age-appropriate way, answering their questions openly, and including them in small ways, you create a positive, supportive environment for the journey.
At Surrogacy Mentor, we’re here to provide guidance, resources, and support for surrogates and their families. If you have questions about explaining surrogacy to your children or need more resources to support your family during the journey, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re dedicated to helping you create a meaningful and rewarding surrogacy experience for both you and your family.